Rashid Zakat

So, my friend Chakka wrote an interesting post about the “Dating Queue“. In her entry she proposed the idea of technology acting as sort of a buffer between relationships with you climbing up the ladder or up the queue (think netflix) the more important you become to someone. So, the more important/relevant you become to someone, the more attention they give you in “legitimate” forms communication. It was an interesting post that got me thinking about how people do the same thing on a platonic level. My brother Qadim and I have had an understanding of the friendship tiers for as long as we’ve known each other. Not all friends are made equal…and that’s ok…but knowing that informs how you deal with someone in the future. Now, I don’t want to sound really callous in this entry, but there is some sort of logic to who you get closer to and who you don’t. For a lot of people you knew someone would be a good friend before you even knew them that well. Usually, you’ve had a connection with them since you’ve met them. Whether you didn’t like them or you hit it off right away, there’s something that’s above average about them. Something strong and kindred about them. Relationships very rarely change in that way over time. I’m not sure what all of the factors are, but there are a lot that determine who you’re prone to connect to off the bat. Anyway, we talk about our tiers in 4-5 levels. There’s the 4th tier for the majority of people you come across. They’re people who might be cool but you just don’t know or care to know that well. For me they’re everyone else…the guys I see at shows or randomly in public. Our relationship exists as a “Yo! Whats good!?” a bit of small talk and catch up and an exit dap. You may or may not have had an extensive conversation with them, but it’s ok. You’re comfortable with your relationship as is. You don’t necessarily go out of your way to invite them anywhere, talk outside of seeing each other in person and if you never saw them again, you’d wonder…”What ever happened to Joey Joe Joe”, but that’s about it. You may even do work together or connect over something superficial like your love for hip-hop or Dr. Sureshs’ class…but again…the connection is faint at best, and rarely facilitated without their immediate presence. The 3rd tier is generally where people who I’m gonna be friends with in the future come in. The 3rd tier is filled with two types of people. Potential 4th tier people who could climb the ranks if you kick it with them enough, or people you’ve known for a while and like…but because of time restrictions, lack of a deeper connection, an opportunity to totally “feel them out” or whatever, they’re on your 3rd tier. The 3rd tier also exists for friends of friends who you might like, but wouldn’t kick it outside of a group setting with whomever brought them in. They’re friends…just not good friends for whatever reason. You’d rarely kick it with them on a one on one, but they may be awesome to run into on the street, or if you see them at a function and they’re the only person you know, you’re probably gonna spend that awkward time with them and maybe get a little closer. The 2nd tier is where most of my social circle is. They’re people I really enjoy spending time with, I’d kick it with on a one on one as frequently as I can, and probably have a network of dope people I enjoy. A lot of people have a really big 2nd tier and this is where most of their friends they haven’t grown up with reside. Chances are you’re gonna be friends for life, no matter how much you stay in contact with them. They know most of your friends and know you on a deep enough level that they can identify what traits make you. Sometimes you go in phases of hanging out with different people in your 2nd tier. Since the 2nd tier is probably the fullest and most diverse tier of people, its one of the most important things to have when you move somewhere new. You’re probably not going to develop a lot of close friends, but you want someone who’s more than just a casual acquaintance. Since most of my 1st tier left Philly, most of my time has been spent with the awesome 2nd tier people I’ve met in Philly. Many 2nd tier people are a few good conversations and a bonding experience away from the 1st tier, but since it takes so much to be on anyone’s actual 1st tier, the opportunity never really happens. I don’t think this is a bad thing. I think most peoples 1st tier friends are pretty much locked in by the time you turn 22, and if you’re settled it becomes less likely that you’ll meet someone that you connect with AND have time to foster that relationship with. The problem is when people believe they have a slew of 1st tier friends, but just mistake them for 2nd or even 3rd tier people. I think 2nd tier people are people you tell your secrets to, but they don’t know everything all of the time. They don’t know enough about you because of a lack of comfort someone has in sharing that stuff…or the most common thing…time. It takes time to become someones best friend. I treasure my 2nd tier at this phase in my life. Since this is most of my social network right now, and it’s big enough for me to not want too much more than what’s natural from any one person…relationships can flourish and grow without more watering than necessary. I can be honest, but not feel obligated to explain everything that happens in my life. The 1st tier is reserved of course for your best friends. They’re the people you’ve grown up with, or you’ve just forged a relationship out of connections and adversity. They’re the ones that have been there for you through anything. They know almost everything there is to know about you. They’re the ones you call on when you need something because they’re the only ones who can understand. They’re the ones who you’d jump through a ring of fire for without any thought, because it’s just what you do. As far as you go, they’re your family, and without them you wouldn’t be the same person. Most people have a very small 1st tier. Some have larger ones than others, but it’s still a very tight circle of often 4 or 5 people at most. I don’t think many people can support more than that. The interesting thing about 1st tier friends is communication varies between the person and the specific friend. There are some that you talk to every day, and they know every detail of your life. There are others that you talk to once a month, if that…but it’s like picking up where you left off. They know all of the important stuff, but because of your relationship with each other, you don’t feel any less close for not talking all of the time. You can talk for 5 minutes a day, or 2 hours every week and it’s honestly all the same. For me, they define good conversation…because it’s more like fleshing out what’s already there instead of sharing what you think they need to know. They’re the people you can be absolutely honest with and not hold your tongue. They know your intent and almost never question it. Even when you get into a fight, the fact that you can allow yourself to get that upset and visibly upset at that means a lot. You know it’s gonna work out in the end, so it’s no reason to be fake. They’d know anyway. Some people confuse a 2nd tier person that they talk to all of the time for a 1st tier friend. I think the ONLY real indicator of a 1st tier friend is time. Even if they get on your last nerve, you can’t imagine life without them. You’d fight tooth and nail for them and for your friendship with them. If your life isn’t that different without them, then maybe you should reconsider where you place them. Now, it seems like there’s a lot of thought put into the tiering of friends, and there is…but it’s mostly observation. I don’t think you place people into tier intentionally, they just fall wherever they fall…I just think it’s important to acknowledge that people do fall into different places. It’s impossible to have a group of friend and a few not stand out in certain ways. People are build for differentiation. Some people you connect with more, others you spend more time with, and a few people have the luxury of having both in greater numbers than most. More importantly, what you do for other people informs this system. Not to say that you’d always do more for someone on your 2nd tier than on your 3rd, for a lot of people it’s the opposite. The better friends you become the more you can take that person for granted…because they’ll understand or because that just what happens. The difference is when it comes to things that matter…how do you pull through. There is a short list of people that I would wake up in the middle of the night, go to pick up and talk to because of something traumatic. That list is a bit longer than I care to admit, but for most people, not only would I not feel the obligation, it wouldn’t make sense. We aren’t close enough for you to get that level of comfort from someone like me. There is someone better…on a higher tier than that for you. There are also levels within tiers. I don’t think that they are absolute rules to how you tier friends within tiers…but you know those one or two people that aren’t your best friends, but they’re head and shoulders above a lot of people in your second tier. They’re the people who if you know them and hang out with them long enough, will probably rise to your first tier…but because of time and a lack of shared experiences, they just aren’t there yet. I think those people are awesome too. There’s a lot you already share, but the journey of becoming friends and building those stories with each other is one of the best parts of having friends in the first place. I define my friendships through a combination of honesty, loyalty, how much we connect, how much you as a person excite me, a type of respect, how much they inspire me and a level of understanding. It’s not so much of having a lot of any of these things, but how they all work in concert. To conclude, everyone falls into a level or has some role in your life. I’m never sure if it’s best to examine all of the specifics of who does what for whatever primal need humans have, but it is fun to look at where people fall. I know I have a tendency to analyze all of my social interactions in this very specific and categorical manner, but I can’t help it. Plus it’s fun to look at who falls where, but has potential to be closer. How do you categorize your friends?